The Joy of Boundaries

"We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want."

---Dr. Phillip C. McGraw

Do you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do? Well, simply put, people do what works for them. If they get what they want by using certain behavior, they will keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don't get what they want, they eventually drop that behavior and acquire a new one. So, what does this mean? Ultimately, it means that we each need to figure out what we are doing to reinforce or allow mistreatment. As Dr. Phil has said, "If you're involved in a relationship in which someone is consistently abusive, exploitive, or insensitive toward you, find out what you're doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction."1

If you don't allow people to control you, abuse you, or mistreat you, you will be happier. This is obvious, right? But so many times we don't realize we may be allowing it to happen. We don't realize how much control we could have over our own happiness if we would stop allowing ourselves to be mistreated. In short, we don't always have good boundaries.

Controlling verses Frustrated

One of my favorite pieces of advice on this subject comes from Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, "The Law of Happiness". He tells us this: "Think about it. You only describe someone as controlling because you give into his having to do everything his way, or you give into his criticism in some way. So when you give in, you feel controlled and you call him controlling. So my suggestion is that you turn him into a frustrated person instead of a controlling person by one simple step: stop giving in! If you don't give in to his demands or manipulation, he is no longer "controlling", is he? He is frustrated instead. He is frustrated that you won't give in, but he no longer has control of anything at that point, does he? Just say no, and the problem will be solved. Then, empathize with him, and say, "So sorry that it frustrates you that I won't do that for you. I understand." It is nice to empathize with someone who is frustrated, but its destructive to give in to someone who is trying to control you."2

Obviously there are some cases where you may be dealing with someone who is physically abusive, and in that case, do not set direct limits on him if you will be in danger. Go to a shelter or get help from others. Safety comes first.

Having boundaries means that you set limits on what you will and will not allow in your life. Healthy boundaries guard your heart, your mind, your soul, and your energy. If you are guarding yourself, then predators of unhappiness will have a much harder time diminishing your joy.

It is important to name your boundaries. Here are a few suggestions:

*I will not tolerate abuse of any kind.

*I will not allow anyone to make me feel inferior.

*I will not feel guilty for saying "no" when appropriate.

*I will not allow anyone to invade my physical or emotional space.

*I will not allow anyone to take up my time without my consent.

Create boundaries, stick to them, and watch your life improve:). May the joy be with you!

1. Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, "Life Strategies"

2. Dr. Henry Cloud, "The Law of Happiness: How Spiritual Wisdom and Modern Science Can Change Your Life".

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Today, March 2, 2016, marks the 112th birthday of one of my favorite authors, Theodore Seuss Geisel---more commonly known as a the extraordinary "Dr. Seuss"! Although his voice was silenced in 1991, his life and writings continue to influence and entertain both children and adults alike.  His poem, an "Ode To A Zode", has had a poignant effect on my thinking since I was a child, and for this reason I am sharing it with you today:

ODE TO A ZODE 

By Dr. Seuss

Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,

Who came to two signs at the fork of a road?

One said: “To Place One,” and the other:  “Place Two.”

So, the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.

Well, the Zode scratched his head, and his chin, and his pants;

And he said to himself:  “I’ll be taking a chance!

If I go to Place One, now, that place may be hot,

And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?

On the other hand, though, I’ll be sort of a fool

If I go to Place Two and I find it too cool.

In that case, I may catch a chill and turn blue! 

So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two.

On the other hand, though, if Place One is too high,

I might get a migraine headache and die!

So, Place Two may be best. . . 

On the other hand, though, what might happen to me if Place Two is too low?

I might get some very strange pain in my toe!”

Then he stopped and he said, “Well, on the other hand. . . 

But on the other hand. . . well, on the other hand, though!”

And for 36 hours and a half, that poor Zode

Made stops and starts at that fork in the road,

Saying:  “Don’t take a chance!  You may not be right!”

Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright.

“Play safe!”  cried the Zode.  “I’ll play safe; I’m no dunce.

I’ll simply start off for both places at once!”

And that’s how the Zode, who would not take a chance,

Got to No Place At All, with a split in his pants!

How many of us end up at "no place at all" because we let fear, doubt and uncertainty paralyze our progress? Fear and doubt kill more dreams than failure ever will. Many, many successful people failed numerous times before they achieved success. Babies fall down time after time in the process of learning to walk. How sad would it be if a baby simply gave up along the way, saying to himself, "this walking thing isn't for me."? 

Take a step TODAY toward your dream, even if it is a very small one. Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today with your passion lying dormant inside you.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!