The Joy of Boundaries

"We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want."

---Dr. Phillip C. McGraw

Do you ever wonder why people treat you the way they do? Well, simply put, people do what works for them. If they get what they want by using certain behavior, they will keep that behavior in their repertoire. If they don't get what they want, they eventually drop that behavior and acquire a new one. So, what does this mean? Ultimately, it means that we each need to figure out what we are doing to reinforce or allow mistreatment. As Dr. Phil has said, "If you're involved in a relationship in which someone is consistently abusive, exploitive, or insensitive toward you, find out what you're doing to encourage that behavior, so that you can realign the relationship in a more healthy direction."1

If you don't allow people to control you, abuse you, or mistreat you, you will be happier. This is obvious, right? But so many times we don't realize we may be allowing it to happen. We don't realize how much control we could have over our own happiness if we would stop allowing ourselves to be mistreated. In short, we don't always have good boundaries.

Controlling verses Frustrated

One of my favorite pieces of advice on this subject comes from Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, "The Law of Happiness". He tells us this: "Think about it. You only describe someone as controlling because you give into his having to do everything his way, or you give into his criticism in some way. So when you give in, you feel controlled and you call him controlling. So my suggestion is that you turn him into a frustrated person instead of a controlling person by one simple step: stop giving in! If you don't give in to his demands or manipulation, he is no longer "controlling", is he? He is frustrated instead. He is frustrated that you won't give in, but he no longer has control of anything at that point, does he? Just say no, and the problem will be solved. Then, empathize with him, and say, "So sorry that it frustrates you that I won't do that for you. I understand." It is nice to empathize with someone who is frustrated, but its destructive to give in to someone who is trying to control you."2

Obviously there are some cases where you may be dealing with someone who is physically abusive, and in that case, do not set direct limits on him if you will be in danger. Go to a shelter or get help from others. Safety comes first.

Having boundaries means that you set limits on what you will and will not allow in your life. Healthy boundaries guard your heart, your mind, your soul, and your energy. If you are guarding yourself, then predators of unhappiness will have a much harder time diminishing your joy.

It is important to name your boundaries. Here are a few suggestions:

*I will not tolerate abuse of any kind.

*I will not allow anyone to make me feel inferior.

*I will not feel guilty for saying "no" when appropriate.

*I will not allow anyone to invade my physical or emotional space.

*I will not allow anyone to take up my time without my consent.

Create boundaries, stick to them, and watch your life improve:). May the joy be with you!

1. Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, "Life Strategies"

2. Dr. Henry Cloud, "The Law of Happiness: How Spiritual Wisdom and Modern Science Can Change Your Life".

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Today, March 2, 2016, marks the 112th birthday of one of my favorite authors, Theodore Seuss Geisel---more commonly known as a the extraordinary "Dr. Seuss"! Although his voice was silenced in 1991, his life and writings continue to influence and entertain both children and adults alike.  His poem, an "Ode To A Zode", has had a poignant effect on my thinking since I was a child, and for this reason I am sharing it with you today:

ODE TO A ZODE 

By Dr. Seuss

Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,

Who came to two signs at the fork of a road?

One said: “To Place One,” and the other:  “Place Two.”

So, the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.

Well, the Zode scratched his head, and his chin, and his pants;

And he said to himself:  “I’ll be taking a chance!

If I go to Place One, now, that place may be hot,

And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?

On the other hand, though, I’ll be sort of a fool

If I go to Place Two and I find it too cool.

In that case, I may catch a chill and turn blue! 

So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two.

On the other hand, though, if Place One is too high,

I might get a migraine headache and die!

So, Place Two may be best. . . 

On the other hand, though, what might happen to me if Place Two is too low?

I might get some very strange pain in my toe!”

Then he stopped and he said, “Well, on the other hand. . . 

But on the other hand. . . well, on the other hand, though!”

And for 36 hours and a half, that poor Zode

Made stops and starts at that fork in the road,

Saying:  “Don’t take a chance!  You may not be right!”

Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright.

“Play safe!”  cried the Zode.  “I’ll play safe; I’m no dunce.

I’ll simply start off for both places at once!”

And that’s how the Zode, who would not take a chance,

Got to No Place At All, with a split in his pants!

How many of us end up at "no place at all" because we let fear, doubt and uncertainty paralyze our progress? Fear and doubt kill more dreams than failure ever will. Many, many successful people failed numerous times before they achieved success. Babies fall down time after time in the process of learning to walk. How sad would it be if a baby simply gave up along the way, saying to himself, "this walking thing isn't for me."? 

Take a step TODAY toward your dream, even if it is a very small one. Don't fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today with your passion lying dormant inside you.

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

Designing Your Perfect Day

In the tale of "Alice In Wonderland", there comes a point where Alice arrives at a fork in the road that leads in different directions. She asks the Cheshire Cat, "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"  

     "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," the Cheshire Cat replied.

     "I don't much care where..." said Alice.

     "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

The Cheshire Cat spoke the truth, didn't he? If we don't know where we want to go, then it doesn't matter which road we take. Can you imagine getting into a cab and not telling the driver where to take you? It would be preposterous! Unfortunately, many of us take this approach with our lives. When asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" we oftentimes say, "I don't know..."

One of my favorite techniques for overcoming this obstacle is to design the perfect day in the mind. This is an abstract way of goal setting and metaphorically drawing up blueprints for your future. Ask yourself, "If I could wake up and experience my perfect day, what would it consist of? How would I feel? What would I eat? What activities would I participate in? Who would I spend my time with? How healthy would I be? What character traits would I give to the world? How would I contribute? 

This exercise is extremely beneficial to success because it gives us a vision of where we want to go. Each of us have within our brains a small network of cells, about four inches long, called the "reticular activating system." It is about the size and shape of 1/4 of an apple. This network of cells performs the function of filtering incoming sensory stimuli (sight, sound, smell, and touch). It determines which stimuli is going to make an impression in the mind. It decides what information is going to become part of your world. The great thing about the reticular activating system is that it can be programmed to be on alert for success-related inputs. It will help you to pick up on opportunities in your environment that can help you to get to where you want to go and live the life of your dreams. 

You are the designer of your destiny. Don't delay, start today!

It Shows In Your Face

My mother always told me that "Pretty is as pretty does". Over the course of my life, I have come to know the truthfulness of this statement. The most beautiful people in the world are those with beautiful hearts and minds, who perform beautiful deeds. They see, look for, and bring out the beauty in others.

The following poem is one that has influenced my idea of beauty throughout my life. We could all benefit from taking its message to heart...

IT SHOWS IN YOUR FACE

You don't have to say how you live each day.

You don't have to say if you work or play.

A tried, true barometer serves in the place,

However you live, it shows in your face!

The false, the deceit that you bear in your heart

Will not stay inside where it first got its start.

For sinew and blood are a thin veil of lace.

What you wear in your heart, you wear on your face.

If your life is unselfish; if for others you live--

For not what you can get but for what you can give.

If you live close to God in His infinite grace,

You don't have to tell it; it shows in your face.
---Karlene Garner

Ultimately, no one will love you for how great you are, but rather for how great you make them feel! To quote the beautiful words of Marvin J. Ashton, "Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart; one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them."

Do these things, and you will always be beautiful. Now go, and share your beauty with the world!

Talk About Your Joys

"Law of attraction says: 'We'll give you whatever it is you say and focus on', and so if you are complaining about how bad it is, what you're creating is more of how bad it is."

Jack Canfield

Do you enjoy listening to others complain a lot about how bad things are? Most of us would probably answer "no!" If this is the case, the reverse is also true: if YOU are complaining, those around you probably aren't enjoying listening.

When I talk about complaining, I am not referring to addressing issues that need to be addressed or working through conflict. I am referring to chronically expressing how bad things are. Do you come home from work at night and complain about work to your spouse? Then return to work the next morning and complain about your spouse to your coworkers? What a toxic cycle! It doesn't help the situation to improve, and puts you and those around you in a negative vibrational state of mind. What you focus on expands, and if you are always talking about your troubles, you will keep attracting more troubles! I love these wise words of Maya Angelo: "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain".

There is no situation so bad that complaining won't make it worse. So what can you do when you feel the urge to complain? Try asking yourself these simple questions: What is something that I love and am grateful for? What is something in my life that I appreciate right now? What is something around me that brings a smile to my face? These questions will help your mind to shift focus, and to train it to look for the good in life. When it rains, look for rainbows. When it's dark, look for stars. Appreciation and complaining can't co-exist in the mind, so focus on the one that will serve you! 

Now go your way, and have a wonderful, complaint-free day!

Happy People Don't Compare Themselves

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday."

---unknown

We have all heard the statement, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". Over the past few years I have heard many variations of this statement which include: "Their grass is greener because it is fake", or "Their grass is greener because it is fertilized with manure", or, on a more positive note, "The grass is greenest where you water it". 

The interesting thing about these "grass is greener" statements is that they are all rooted in comparison. Whose grass is greener and why? Does their grass simply "appear" to be greener than mine? Maybe if I water my own grass it will be as green as theirs.  Comparison, comparison, comparison!

One of the greatest discoveries of my life is that there is an unlimited supply of happiness and success, or "green grass", so to speak, to go around. What this means to me is that when a  neighbor (or friend, co-worker, sibling, etc) is experiencing some sort of "green grass",   it is evidence that this beautiful planet we live on can produce lush green grass! This is a wonderful thing!

It is also very important to remember that we are all brothers and sisters journeying together here on this earth, and the feelings you feel toward others, you attract to yourself. You reap what you sow. Another way of saying this is, "What you wish for another, you wish for yourself."

God has made you unique, with your own gifts and abilities, talents and horsepower. You have gifts and talents that come naturally to you as part of your makeup. Your job is to become the best "YOU" you possibly can.  Develop and utilize your uniqueness, then use your gifts to cultivate a world where green grass abounds for all!

Love Triumphant

LOVE TRIUMPHANT

Should all the stars of Heaven combine to cast a glorious hue,

Their brilliance would be as a candle's flame compared to my love for you.

For you have been the star of my life that brightened up the day.

You are the one whose constant smile helped push the clouds away.

In you, I found a trusted friend and joy beyond compare.

You must have been the answer to my pre-existent prayer. . . . 

To think we've born the struggles of life, walking the path together,

And basked in the glow of each other's joys, undaunted by stormy weather.

Together we met our triumphs and trials—facing them hand in hand,

Always assured, regardless of pain, each other would understand.

Adversities came and tugged at our roots—forcing them deeper to grow.

Then bonding together, the weak grew strong and crushed with a mighty blow.

Determined to gain what we set out to win, no challenge could be too great.

Uniting our forces, we forged our way beyond every down-hill fate.

We two became one as we ripened with years and nurtured the love we had known.

Every heartache we knew, every sky that was blue was never encountered alone.

We shared every hope, every dream, every wish—holding sacred each confidence told.

We were eager to share every thought, every care—any warmth to protect from the cold.

Time was our friend, as each mountain we climbed, safely reaching the other side.

With each cross to bear, we found miracles there, and a deepened, new sense of pride.

Oceans between us could not dampen the love that we felt with our every breath;

For love is eternal and forever will grow, uniting us far beyond death.

Oh, how I wish that all the world could know a love so true,

And experience the beauties and boundless joys that I know from loving you.

But only fools and children dare to dream of a love such as ours—a love so warm and wondrous that its glow outshines the stars.

       -----MARTHA HUGGINS BULLOCK

Happy Heart Day, Everyone!